Apr 17, 2011

A chef, laser guns, aliens and multiplayer. It's Gaylo

Did the helmet design come from ski goggles perhaps?

If there's a review that I'll get criticized for it's gonna be this one. Not because Halo is a very liked game in general (god knows why) but because I actually haven't played it that much. I'm sure there's things that I'm going to miss but guess what, I don't give a shit.

First things first, what the shit is Halo all about? From what I've understood you're "Master Chief", a pretty much speechless, faceless spartan (no, not the half naked cool ones). To say that he's completely speechless would be a lie though. He actually coughs up FOUR minutes of dialog TOTAL during the first 3 games, putting him at a strong second place after Gordon Freeman (world famous mute professional, Half-Life series) when it comes to not talking.

What is a "Master Chief" anyway? Since I know you're all lazy bastards I took time to google it. Guess what, it's a group of titles in the U.S Navy, coast guard and so on. I don't know about you but I've never seen any fucking submarines in the Halo games. It would've been better if they called him Master Chef and made a cooking adventure game where you have to protect a giant fruit cake from ants or something.

I use ants in my game idea (which probably would be better than the original) is because it has come to my knowledge that in the Halo games you fight against some sort of aliens. How I know this is a question in itself, because I've never actually played the campaigns. And that's because NO ONE EVER plays the campaigns except for once when the game is released and then once more on Legendary mode to boost their bragging rights amongst their friends. When the campaign has been blasted through (people have gone through Halo 3 on legendary in less than 3 hours) multiplayer is all that you have left.

Why Halo became so popular I will never know. From my experience when playing with friends it's basically Battlefield in the future, but less people and just worse. I'd say it became popular because it was one of the first decent console FPS games, then people just rolled with it because it was the best they had. As a PC gamer I've always had a huge library when it comes to MP shooters. I can't really see whats so appealing to the MP either. You just run around and shoot people. As with Counter Strike this is pretty fun to do with your friends once in a while, but I can't see how people actually find it funny to do by them selves online.

This is pretty much all I can say about the games, because I haven't played much more than this. Fun for more than 30 minutes? I think not.

Apr 13, 2011

Need for Suck My Balls

No, I don't know why the fuck "police" is spelled backwards.

I'm not going to go berzerk on NFS  right away. Like most sane human beings I actually used to like the series. I have a vague memory of playing Need for Speed 2 when I was a little kid, but we don't have time for that nostalgic shit. So why did I even like NFS in the first place? My first experience was actually with the best game of the series, Most Wanted. I'm not saying that it's the best just because it happened to be the first one I really played but because that it's just fact. If you don't think so then you're wrong and could have one of several brain disorders, e.g Downs.

NFS didn't go straight from the best game of the series to utter and worthless crap. They actually put "Carbon" in between, which was a pretty good game. It did some things a bit better than MW and some things a bit worse. Simply put, I had fun with it and that's what matters.

What happened now you ask? The short version is that they released NFS: Procrap, NFS: Underdowns and then NFS: Shit in quick succession. Here are some refreshers (if you weren't lucky enough not to have played them).

Need for Speed: Profuck
NFS became a huge success with its fast paced and hardly legal street racing. So what the shit do you think the fuckers did? Nothing radical really, they just REMOVED everything that people enjoyed from MW and Carbon and made it more of a track racing game. And they even had the nerves to call it proSTREET. Fuck you! When the best part of a car game is the smoke comming from your tires then you know it's gonna suck major rotten balls.

Need for Speed: Underdog
I'm calling this one underdog because after the shit stain Smokestreet this next game had to hit the audience from below and take us by surprise. Too bad it slipped and crushed its own face against the floor. Blundercover tried to go back to what made MW so good, but needless to say it didn't quite make it. Still, it was better than Probullshit.

Need for Speed: Shit
Now I don't know what the fuck they were thinking, but after undercover some retard thought that maybe track racing was the right way to go after all! Well guess what, it all went to hell once again. Shift was even worse than Prostreet! Motherfuck that's bad...

But we can't end the story there now could we? Where's the happy ending? To bad, we got Hot Piece of Shit 2010 instead. I wrote the "2010" at the end because EA clearly had a problem finding the number "3" on their keyboards. The only reason that I even started the game more than once was because you could play as a police which was a bit new to me so I had to check it out. What do you know, that sucked shitty dix as well!
I haven't even bothered to download Shift 2 because NFS is on a spiraling course straight to the deepest pits of hell.

Just writing all this and remembering it all pissed me off.

Apr 12, 2011

Let's start of with a big one! (Dicking around Age 2)

C'mon, let's use our expressionless faces and stare them to death (i.e. THE ONLY ONE WE HAVE)

Fucking shit, I don't even know where to begin with this one. The reason that I chose this creation of hell to kick off my blog with is because it is a game that I've played recently, and because it pissed me off more that games usually do.

If you've played Dragon Age: Origins then you know what's up. Basically there's some bad shit going down in Ferelden (the place you get to explore, if you play DA:O that is). Every now and then something that's called a "blight" occur. They don't tell you much about this but you understand pretty quick that blights suck major balls.

Now I know what you're thinking, and I thought the same thing when playing DA. "Blight, what the hell?". I actually googled it now out of curiousity. The almighty wikipedia said:

"Blight refers to a specific symptom affecting plants in response to infection by a pathogenic organism."

I stopped reading here because this is clearly NOT what's happening. I tried to alter wiki to the more correct explanation "Some monsters go apeshit and kills everything in sight." but apparently someone else knows better than me. That fucker.

Anyways, back to the game! Where as DA:O's main plot is the blight and saving the world and shit Dragon Shit 2 kind of forgets about the whole "monsters go apeshit" ordeal. I'm a couple of hours into the game (don't ask me how many, I'd like to forget the time I wasted) and besides the hoards of monsters I slayed in the beginning the blight seems to be as much of a problem to the characters ingame as random slaughtering in the middle of the street (which seems to be perfectly normal).

So you run around Kirkwall (the most boring fucking place on earth) doing random shit while the story progresses a couple of years. Fuck the blight ruining the world, we have it good as it is here in good ol' Kirkwall. This is basically all the story that I have after several hours of gametime.

Now onto the mechanics. Let's get some things straight first, I loved the first DA. It was epic shit flowing through my mouse and into my body. Dick Age 2 seems to do it best to shatter every expectation I had on it. I can not think of a SINGLE mechanic that Fuck Shit 2 does better than DA:O. Being a sequel, you can see why that's something negative. The characters suck. The voice acting is pure shit aswell. YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT I CAN ONLY PLAY AS A HUMAN BECAUSE OF THIS GARBAGE?!

List of things that Puke Age 2 did horrible:

*The conversation wheel
*General gameplay

I'll stop now because I can go on forever. Fuck this game, fuck Bioware for selling their souls to EA. Fuck the santa claus, fuck action gamers for ruining the sequel to the BEST RPG EVER.


Apr 11, 2011

Motherfucker, I got myself a blog

What do you know, I finally got a blog. So what will this blog of concentrated satan be all about? I'll tell you right away!

I will simply bash games which I do not like. I don't need a reason for bashing them, I don't need to use any valid arguments, I don't care about your opinions (okay, maybe you should leave some comments. BUT I SURE WON'T CARE!).

If you don't agree with me then you're probably an idiot. I don't know about you but I sure ain't an idiot so if we disagree then something must be wrong with you. Now ain't logic a bitch?

Tune in for my first raging!